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Health & Fitness

The End of the Road to Nowhere..... ?

Bitter Orange & Brown wonders if the Browns are finally going somewhere. And then their plane gets stuck in the mud.

 

We're on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin' that ride to nowhere
We'll take that ride

-Talking Heads, Road to Nowhere

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I love my Browns clothes. Whether they were pricey or cheap, I treat them with a certain reverence. In fact, I'm far more obsessive about my bin of brown and orange gear than I am about my keeping my closet organized (and that's literally my job). 

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I noticed a strange phenomenon this past season when I would go to the gym for my Monday morning workout. 

If the Browns won: Not a fitness fanatic in the house would be wearing Browns clothing.

If the Browns lost: I would see several people in Browns shirts or sweats riding the Spinning bikes; running on the individual highways to hell known as the treadmills; or climbing the StairMaster.

You would think it might be the exact opposite, right? You're excited about a win and proud to support your team. But instead you're devaluing your overpriced licensed NFL apparel by getting it all gross and sweaty. And the more you get it sweaty and stretch it, the more it gets washed and the more you wash it, the shorter the life it has. You know what I'm talking about. These people are allowing their Browns clothing to die a slow death on the path to the Goodwill bin or into the basement pile of "painting the house" clothes.

Then I began to wonder ... is this disrespect for the team colors really just a metaphor for the team itself?

You may ride a bike at the gym or run or walk or jog or go up, up, up on the StairMaster. You may be on a different machine, or with different people along for the trip. A different Spinning instructor or different "athletes" (not at my gym - ha ha) on the machines around you; or you may be going faster or slower than usual.

But what never changes is that you go nowhere. Miles and miles. Flights and flights. And still, nowhere. 

Since the Browns' not-so triumphant return to Cleveland, we may as well have spent the last thirteen seasons on the StairMaster to hell, as Janeane Garofalo described it:

*

"I am going to be sentenced to the StairMaster ring of Dante's 'Inferno,' where I have to get on a StairMaster, and they're going to tape my feet to the pedals. And I realize that StairMaster time is, in fact, the slowest increment of time known to man. It just hangs there.

And the only music I get is Michael Bolton, karaoke-style, from a drunken secretary on margarita night."

*

In thirteen years, we've had five head coaches. Plus one interim head coach. Several GMs. One may even have been Michael Bolton. I don't even know anymore. I have lost count of how many "regimes" and ridiculous quarterback controversies we've suffered through. We can boast one playoff appearance (2002). In the new Browns era (since the expansion franchise) we have a combined record of 64-129*. And have received so many empty promises and raised hopes of one day getting to the promised land that attempting to count them makes my head spin. 

Certain variables have changed over the years, but we spin our wheels and we ride along. The team, the media, and even fellow our Browns bloggers may tease us that the team is getting better. And we sometimes buy into it hook, line and sinker.


They can tell you what to do
But they'll make a fool of you
And it's all right, baby, it's all right
We're on a road to nowhere

 

(Now is a good time to mention that Bitter Orange & Brown is 100% bullcrap free and we NEVER make anything up.)

We now have Mike Holmgren in his second full season as the team president. He has Super Bowl rings. (So did Eric Mangini.) He has a golden reputation. He now has the general manager and coaching staff just the way he wants them, after canning Mangini, Rob Ryan, Daboll, et al. In the modern Browns era, we have not experienced a front office and group of coaches that is supposedly so "on the same page."

But quite honestly, in their first outing (and even from what we could tell in the preseason), their page was found under the letter "U" for

UNDERWHELMING.

I was expecting more right out of the gate labeled "Shurmur". I really was. Was I expecting too much? Probably. But we were playing the lowly Bungles. And we lost. And it was a miserable game.

I may be bitter. I may be trapped in an eternal love-hate relationship with this team. But I am forever hopeful that the road will lead somewhere. Sooner rather than later.

I think about all the people who die every year with their hopes for a Super Bowl championship unrealized. I live in fear of being one of them.(On the other hand, I firmly believe that a Brown Super Bowl victory might actually kill me -- but it would be worth it. Maybe I should start having regular EKGs just to be safe. Just in case.)

How many more regime reboots can we afford? I feel in my bones that this is our biggest and best chance to build for the future.

For our Super Bowl.

And our dynasty.

 

I'm feelin' okay this mornin'
And you know,
We're on the road to paradise
Here we go [Brownies], here we go

 

But first we need to get out of the mud ... (see below)

 

THIS JUST IN: 

Browns take a Plane to Nowhere (briefly)


The Mile High Browns Backers (Denver, CO) report:

INDIANAPOLIS -- The Browns got stuck in the mud on their way to their first road game of the season. Literally. Their arrival in Indianapolis was delayed about four hours because their plane got stuck in the mud at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. The pilot miscalculated taxiing to a runway. The team had to deplane and wait for a new plane.
The Browns arrived in Indianapolis at about 6:15 pm -- about 3 1/2 hours later than scheduled.**

 

 

* DISCLAIMER: I added this myself...with a calculator. Don't trust my math. Even with a calculator. 

** This cannot possibly be a coincidence.  


Bitter KK is looking into her crystal ball and predicting that Peyton Manning will not be playing today due a paralyzing fear of Browns defensive tackle Phil Taylor. Follow her other informed (rarely) and uncanny (sometimes) predictions @BitterKK and her non-football tweets (mostly about monkeys) @kristenkaleal.

BitterOrangeandBrown.com

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