Jimmy Haslam III and Joe Banner went on the record today by saying they weren't ruling out anyone in their search for a new head coach.
I took this to mean one thing and one thing only:
MY BIG CHANCE HAS FINALLY ARRIVED!
I want to be your new head coach, Browns Fans.
I'm officially throwing my very fancy hat in the ring.
I thought I would share the letter I'm sending to the new Browns owner to let him know what an exceptionally exceptional candidate I am:
December 31, 2012
Dear Mr. Haslam III:
I wish to be considered for the newly open position of Head Coach of the Cleveland Browns.
I believe that with my lifetime undefeated record in the NFL and my vague, girlish understanding of football, combined with the essay I wrote in eighth grade about my future career as the first female head coach of the Browns, I am infinitely more qualified for the position than any other head coach you have employed during your tenure as team owner.
I am self-motivated, a hard worker, quick learner, team player, strong leader, and have proven especially adept at using tired, overused resume clichés. In my current position at Bitter Orange & Brown, I have a demonstrated proficiency for “throwing around” various forms of football wordplay and have many clever turns of phrase and pigskin puns in my “playbook.”
As coach of your team, I would be someone who knows how to manage the clock and doesn’t rely far too heavily on having one of the best placekickers in the league at my disposal. I also wouldn’t be afraid to make tough coaching decisions, such as wearing my cute orange polka dot rain boots on the sidelines during muddy games or choosing whether or not to punt on fourth and one.
I firmly believe that the above qualifications make me the ideal candidate for this position and I look forward to the opportunity to meet with you in the near future to discuss how hiring me, Bitter KK, as head coach would benefit the entire Browns organization.
Yours in orange and brown (and sometimes pink),
And now I'm going to sit by the phone as I eagerly await his call...
Bitter KK is the alter ego of fashion stylist Kristen Kaleal, who might have a chance to stop being so bitter if she was hired as the new Browns' coach. They may not win any games, but at least they would always look fabulous.
Founded in 2009, Bitter Orange & Brown is the home of Cleveland Browns parody, satire and snark and is written entirely by five women trapped in a love/hate relationship with their team.